Monday, April 25, 2011

What's in the Cup?

What is in the cup indeed?

Well for Tiffany G., the plaintiff in this case, it was semen.  Not once, but twice.  Apparently one of her former co-workers, Kevin Llana, got off on jacking off into Tiffany's water bottle she kept on her desk. (source)

Congratulations Mr. Llana, you are a perverted son-of-a-bitch, and even better still, you get to register as a sex offender after you check in to the local jail for six months. Douche.

So, let this serve as a warning to anyone with a water bottle on their desk: Check the contents before drinking if you leave it at your desk while you are away.

And I thought the worst place to get something slipped into a drink was at a bar in a college town by lazy frat boys!  Guess I was wrong.

(Picture Credit)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Dumb-ass of the Week

Welcome to my first dumb-ass of the week post. Each week, I will try and find the biggest dumb-ass in the news that I can - preferably from the U.S., but if an international dumb-ass presents himself, I will grant him/her the award.

This week, my award goes to Anthony Garcia of Los Angeles, CA. 

He pompously had a tattoo of a robbery/murder scene that he was responsible for placed on his upper chest.  Apparently he didn't know that when you spend time in jail for other offenses, they will photo your tattoos in case you do something later.

Congratulations, Mr. Garcia. Your confession is inked to your chest. Society will hopefully never see you again.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The Cat Who Swam Far

(Or, the feel-good story of the week)

If you don't know this by reading the 'about me', I have a soft spot for animals.  I & my wife have adopted 4 animals, 3 from shelters and 1 from a barn. I donate to worthy animal causes and get irritated (read outraged) by animal cruelty stories in the news.
Apparently a cat really wanted to get out of New Jersey.  She was found covered in salt water and seaweed on Governor's Island, NY.  I suppose that there are many reasons to get out of New Jersey, but is New York really that better of an option?  Either way, it is a nice story, and if her owners aren't found (and even if they are), hopefully she will be adopted out to a loving family.

See said cat (some of the story comments on the bottom insist on calling her Seaweed - not bad):

The headline is awful - "Calico Cat does the Dog Paddle. Weak.  How about, "Cat swims harbor to leave New Jersey"?

She looks pissed that she had to pose for a picture.  Strangely enough, she sort of looks like my calico cat.
Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Who is Gary Goldsmith?

This is Gary:

This model citizen will be attending Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding.  Who is he, and why do we care? 

Mr. Goldsmith is Kate's uncle, and is not exactly an upstanding member of society.  His list of accomplishments includes cutting lines of cocaine while bragging about the royal connection.  He also allegedly kept a full box of cocaine (shoebox, paper box, refrigerator box, or all of the above?)  "Lord" Gary also has a 5 million pound villa nicknamed "Maison da bang bang". (See full article here)

I'm sure he will be a gem to talk to after several drinks at the royal reception, who knows, maybe he'll get Sarah Ferguson to do lines with him.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

A Blast From the Past

Recently I purchased the new 25th Anniversary Super Mario Brothers game for the Wii.  Simply put, it is a newer, cooler-looking Super Mario All-Stars.  I grew up with Super Mario, Super Mario 2, and Super Mario 3.  After I heard about the game when it came out for SNES, I was itching to try Super Mario: Lost Levels. So I bought this:

Unfortunately for me, I purchased a Sega Genesis for the sports games and more realistic games (blood actually appears in Mortal Kombat, hella risque for 1993).  I've given the Lost Levels its fair shake, and it's fun - a little harder than the original, but fun.  I appreciate the fact that I can jump over the flagpole without using Game Genie (anyone remember that?)

Trolling the internets last week, I came across these two adaptations for the super brothers-

The original Super Mario Bros. game as a First-Person Shooter:

and Mario and Luigi in Grand Theft Auto:

The second clip is longer, but still awesome to think about.  How I hope that the Grand Theft Auto version would be made.  Alas, that hope is futile - there is not a chance in hell that Rockstar would ever partner with Mario.

Here's to wishing!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

"Better" Ads in Gmail

For those of you that have Gmail, you know about the ads that show up above your inbox, and how they keep promising that better ads are coming.  Here's the ad that appeared above my inbox today:

I certainly hope this isn't one of the 'BETTER' ads, otherwise it's all downhill from here.

(P.S., I know that the picture is off-center, but I wanted to get the full picture in the post).

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

An Open Letter...

Dear Loud Sir,

You probably were unaware of how loud you were talking into your slim little flip phone outside of the cafeteria.  I'm sure you are also unaware of how cell phones work - there is a volume button on your phone so you can hear the person with whom you are speaking.

Did you also know that the person on the other end of the call also has a volume button so they can hear you yelling ever so loudly into your phone? I bet not.

As I am trying to have a conversation with a man five feet or so from you, I am slowly going deaf in my left ear from you shouting three or four words at a time into your phone.  Have you ever heard of text messaging?  That requires no vocal cords and no volume adjustment either.  Amazing!  You sir, are a douchecanoe. 

Outside of the cafeteria, there is construction on a sitting garden for patients to sit during nice days.  The construction is noisy with heavy machinery.  Guess what asshat, while I was trying to converse, the noise of machinery vanished!  That's fucking amazing...or it would be if your lack of auditory control would not have ruined the absence of noise.

When I finished my conversation (can I even call it that, since neither the guy I was talking to or myself could hear each other) and walked away, I could still hear you, and someone else commented to me about 50 feet away from you - 'Damn, that guy is loud.'  He was right, you were damn loud and your conversation was of no importance since all I heard was you shouting numbers.

There is no way you couldn't be partially deaf with the lack of cell phone etiquette.  I and everyone else that could hear you beg, please consider purchasing hearing aids so you do not infect anyone else with acquired deafness.

Have a fantastic day!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Fleas, What the!?!?!?

Prior to my new clinical research job, I used to work as a shift manager at my previous place of employment - a third-party clinical research organization.  Basically, it was a place where college students (and dregs of society) came to sell their body to science for obscene amounts of money.

As the shift manager, I was expected to know and perform all job functions of all employees that I was supervising, and be a baby-sitter - both for the workers and the study participants.  Never-ending was I telling staff to stay off the internet while they were supposed to be working, or telling the research subjects that they could not hook up their XBox to the big-screen tvs and hog them for hours on end.  And of course, telling the subjects they could not look at porn on the public-use computers.  Holy Shit!!

One study we had required the subjects to wear shower and change into scrubs, and provide a urine sample.  When this lady finished the gamut of tasks, we discovered little bugs floating in the urine sample.  Yummy.  I went and got a research nurse, and she took a second look.

Here's what we saw floating in a cool whip tub of urine (though many more than just one):

Nurse Alice looked at me and told me that she thought they were fleas.  Well, I suppose it's better than crabs, but still.  Fleas!!??? What the fuck? How does someone get fleas and not know about it?  Alice wanted me to tell her, to which I replied "Hell No, that's way above my pay grade!"

She reluctantly did, and then we proceeded to put her trash bag of belongings into the -80C (read: hella cold) for the next week or so.  The cleaning crew had to go into the bunk area and put clean sheets on her bunk area.

We found out that flea lady took care of stray cats in her garage, and apparently she cuddled them and acquired fleas that way.  Yippee.  I don't care where she got them, she had to feel them and be itchy.

After work, you bet I went to PetCo, picked up some anti-flea shampoo, went home and took an extra-long shower using the shampoo as shampoo, face wash, and body soap a couple times.  Fuck getting fleas in my house.  I'd be pissed if my dog caught fleas from me.  I'm sure he would have been pissed at me too.

Have a great day!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Overheard & Interpreted

Overheard someone talking about 'Death's Doorstep' yesterday at work and decided to put my interpretation to MS Paint - enjoy!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

If I Had a Hammer...

...I'd hammer in the morning,
I'd hammer in the evening,
All over this land.
I'd hammer out danger,
I'd hammer out a warning,
I'd hammer out love on my younger brother,
And throw him out a window!
All over this land.

Not quite sure if the lyrics fit,  but it's close.  Anyway, a couple days ago in my fantastic hometown, a 20-year-old dumbass took a hammer to his younger brother and then proceeded to push him out a window:

Sibling Hammer Time

And now a cartoon depicting the correct and incorrect uses for a hammer:

Dude's gonna get 'hammered' in the slammer.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Watch Out for Slippery Bacon

I'm sure almost everyone has seen this sign on a hand dryer in a public restroom:

 Here is the same sign with further instructions:

Funny, huh?

Early last week I traveled to Manhattan, KS (the little apple, or something like that) and grabbed a bite to eat at Arby's.  I was waiting not-so-patiently for my order when I saw this sign to beware of slippery bacon:

...which that prompted me to Google funny bacon signs, and this is the best one I saw:

This was also a good play off the previous one:

Be careful around slippery bacon.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Slow Day Today

Today was kind of a slow day, so I drew a picture in MS Paint of a chicken squawking at a gnome.

Does anyone have a good dialogue that might be going on here? I don't.  Help me out!

That is all.